Mirror, Mirror
by TheAnnoyingAlien
Summary: After an experiment gone awry, Zapp and Kif wind up stuck in a strange parallel universe, complete with exact duplicates of themselves. But one key difference between the captain, lieutenant, and their lookalikes quickly becomes apparent-the parallel Zapp and Kif are very close to one another, perhaps a bit too close. Oh my. Contains Zif slash (sort of) and mentions of past mpreg.
1. Chapter 1

**"Mirror, Mirror"**

**Author's Note: Hey guys, how's it going? I should really be working on the next installment of my main fic series and the next chapter of the truth or dare fic, but I felt like penning a self indulgent Zapp and Kif centered fic. I love those guys lol, we really need more fics about them here! I'm sorry I wasn't very creative with the title and just ripped it off of a Star Trek episode; titles are kinda hard for me to come up with... anyways, I guess this fic can take place sometime in early July or late June of 3012, maybe a week or two before Zapp hooks up with Leela's mother Munda. I hope you enjoy the fic; please leave a review and tell me what you think of it.  
**

Bored.

That's what Zapp was. Bored, bored as hell, bored out of his mind, just plain old bored. And tired too. Leaning back in the captain's chair, he yawned sleepily and glanced up at the screen in front of him. A small planet with green seas and yellow patches of land was in view. The planet was Placercon 7; a lush and beautiful world and one of the many planets whose inhabitants graciously allowed members of the DOOP to visit for shore leaves. It was where most of the Nimbus' crew was at this moment; they had all gone down to its surface for a few days of rest and recreation. But unfortunately, Zapp was unable to join them. You see, DOOP regulations permitted a maximum of only five days of shore leave each month per crewman, and once an individual's five days were used up, they had to return to duty and would be unable to take another shore leave until the following month. Having already used up his allotted shore leave days, Zapp was forced to keep working, something he resented.

"Damn regulations..." He thought to himself. Feeling a little stiff from sitting for so long, he decided to get up and stretch his legs. After all, he really didn't have anything else to do. He rose from his chair, crossed his arms behind his back, and proceeded to pace the perimeter of the bridge, passing by every console and station. Zapp couldn't help but notice how quiet things were today. Normally, the bridge was bustling with activity-all the machinery was up and running, yeomen were handing him iPADDs and trying to get him to sign things, and the stations and consoles were filled with officers awaiting his orders. But now, there was none of that-the bridge was practically barren. Only the instruments essential to the ship's function were on, there were no yeomen rushing around, and the stations were desolate. Even the helmsman was gone; the ship was instead running on autopilot. Zapp frowned. In his many years of captaining, he had grown accustomed to the hustle and bustle of the bridge-in fact, he enjoyed it! He found this lack of activity unsettling. Nearing the end of his walk around the bridge, he paused momentarily at the only occupied console, the one to the back right of the captain's chair, where a familiar green alien was stationed. Kif was hunched over the console looking equally as tired and bored as his captain. Zapp grinned smugly-at least he wasn't the only one who had unwisely used up his shore leave. Still feeling rather bored, he decided to go bother his alien assistant.

"What are you doing, Kif?" He inquired.

"I'm still filling out that paperwork you ordered me to do, Sir." Kif replied, not even bothering to look away from his console. Earlier that day, Zapp had told him to take care of some clerical work, a job normally reserved for the Nimbus' yeomen. But since all the yeomen were on shore leave right now, that task fell to him. It wasn't anything very hard; all he had to do was fill out some things and type up written accounts of their recent missions to be put on record. But just because it wasn't difficult didn't mean it was fun-it was quite tedious. Kif was bored to tears. He sighed. "I'm so glad I'm not a yeoman; I couldn't do this on a daily basis... oh, you need to sign this one, Sir." Zapp nodded and retrieved some sort of electronic pen from his pocket. He leaned over Kif's console and looked over the document he had pulled up on the screen-it was a detailed written summary of the events of their latest mission that was to be sent to the DOOP headquarters.

"Alright, where am I signing?" Zapp asked.

"Down at the bottom." Kif explained, pointing to a thin line at the bottom of the document. Zapp pressed his pen down against the screen and scrawled his name across the line in surprisingly neat cursive. Kif sent the document out and pulled up a new one to work on. Pocketing his pen, Zapp stared up at the view screen once more. He frowned.

"I wish we could go down to Placercon too..." He sighed.

"So do I, but we used up all of our shore leave for this month last week on Carnaval 11. In hindsight, that wasn't a wise decision. We really should have saved a day or two." Said Kif. Zapp turned back to him and nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, Carnaval 11 was fun, but I could use another day of shore leave right now. I'm so bored!" He complained, throwing his hands up in frustration.

"It's not that bad, Sir. Our shift ends in another hour or so, and we get the rest of the day off." Kif replied in a vain attempt to comfort his superior officer. But as expected, it failed to quell Zapp's annoyance.

"That's too long! I wanna stop working now, dammit!" The blonde whined childishly, hitting his fist against the console. "I'm a goddamn general and captain of my own starship! I should be able to take a break whenever I damn well please!"

"Even captains and generals have to abide by DOOP regulations, Sir." Kif pointed out. Zapp knew he was right, but he didn't want to admit it.

"Dammit Kif, you're not helping!" He snapped. Kif sighed and focused his attention back on his work, thinking it was better to let his captain stew in anger by himself for a bit instead of further engaging him in conversation. Zapp grumbled a few choice words under his breath and started back for his chair, but then he was struck with an idea. A mischievous grin spread across his face; Kif glanced up at him and sighed.

"What are you planning, Sir?" He asked. He knew that look, he'd seen it many a time. Whenever Zapp grinned like that, he was up to no good.

"I have formed an idea!" He announced proudly. Kif rolled his eyes, uninterested in whatever the captain was planning. "Now listen, here's what I'm thinking. Why don't you and I discreetly sneak down to Placercon and have a little fun?" Zapp suggested.

"But Sir, that's going against regulations! If anyone found out we were taking more shore leave than we were permitted, we could get fined or even demoted!" Kif gasped worriedly. Zapp rolled his eyes-Kif was always such a stickler for the rules.

"Aw come on Kif, we wouldn't get in trouble unless somebody found out!"

"But someone _would_ find out! One of the others would notice we were gone and report us!"

"Pfft! Like that would ever happen! There's only eight other officers on the ship right now, and they're too busy with their own work to keep track of our whereabouts!"

"Well... what if they need us for something? If they call us on the com and we don't answer, they'll know something's up."

"Now you're just making excuses! They won't need us for anything!" Zapp scoffed, crossing his arms. Ironically, right after he said that, the communicator built into the captain's chair beeped.

"Science sector to Captain Brannigan." Said a monotonous female voice over the com. Zapp grimaced-someone needed him. Kif crossed his arms and shot him a haughty look.

"I told you so." He quipped.

"Oh, shut your pie hole, Kif!" Kif rolled his eyes as Zapp hurried back to his chair and pressed the communicator button.

"Brannigan here, what's up?" He replied.

"Captain, the engineers and I are going to be holding an important meeting. We ask that you and Lieutenant Kroker join us in the briefing room." The woman on the other end requested.

"Will do. Brannigan out." Zapp signed off the com and turned back to Kif, who had shut off his console and gotten out of his seat.

"At least I can take a break from that paperwork!" He stated happily. His commanding officer, however, was nowhere near as thrilled.

"Yeah, but we have to go to some boring ass meeting now. This day really sucks..." Zapp groaned.

"I'm sure Vekita has a good reason for calling a meeting, Sir. She's very rational." Kif reminded him.

"All Gondorklians are. Come on, let's go see what she wants." With that, the pair left the bridge and headed to the briefing room, a sort of conference room where most meetings were held and orders were given. Zapp and Kif entered the room and saw that one of their fellow officers was already there. At the head of the room's conference table sat the officer who had requested the meeting-Lieutenant Vekita S'chnt'gai, the Nimbus' Chief Science Officer. She was sitting professionally with her back straight and her hands clasped together atop the table.

"Captain Brannigan, Lieutenant Kroker. Welcome." She greeted the two with a salute. The captain and first officer saluted back, and Zapp flashed her a flirty smile.

"Well hello Vekita, my lovely space Snooki." He replied. Kif sighed, unamused by the captain's attempt to compliment Miss S'chnt'gai. Comparing a woman to some party girl from Jersey Shore was not exactly the best way to flatter her. Vekita raised a non-existent eyebrow, as she often did when she was puzzled.

"Snooki, Sir? Are you referring to the small orange woman from that Earthican reality show, New New Jersey Shore?" She inquired. Zapp nodded, seemingly unphased by his science officer's confusion.

"Yeah. I mean, Snooki's a beautiful small orange woman and you're a beautiful small orange woman. Well... you're actually not completely orange; you do have those brown stripes and swirls all over you too... but you're mostly orange. It makes sense." He explained as he took a seat next to her. Kif sighed again and plopped himself down in the seat to Zapp's left. It didn't make sense. Vekita seemed to be thinking the same thing, as she looked rather unimpressed.

"Captain, while I am flattered by your viewing me as beautiful, I must disagree with your comparing me to Snooki. I am not orange because I compulsively tan myself. My skin is a naturally orange hue." She clarified, gesturing to herself.

"Well duh! You're a Gondorklian, and everybody knows that Gondorklians are naturally orange!" Zapp smirked. That much was obvious. Vekita was an alien, a Gondorklian to be precise. Well, she was actually only half Gondorklian-her father was a human. However, since Gondorklian genes, like most alien genes, were dominant to those of humans, she mostly resembled her alien mother, and she identified herself as Gondorklian rather than human. She did have human traits too, of course, but they were few in comparison to her alien features. One of her most noticeable alien traits was, as Zapp had pointed out, her orange skin, marked here and there with brown stripes and swirls. Vekita raised an eyebrow once more and her antennae perked up a bit.

"Everybody, Captain? I believe you are exaggerating; while it is common knowledge that Gondorklians are orange, there are still some individuals unaware of that fact." She replied. Zapp rolled his eyes. He liked Vekita, but she had an irritating tendency to correct people over trivial things.

"I know, I was just embellishing to get the point across. You know what, never mind. It's not important. What is important is this meeting you've called." He changed the subject.

"Oh, yes! The meeting! What's it about?" Asked Kif.

"The meeting will cover a project that the engineers and I have been collaborating on. The three of us will elaborate further once all the officers aboard are present." Vekita explained. Just then, the doors swished open and in walked two officers. One was a human, while the other was another alien. The human was a chubby, jolly Scottish woman with dark reddish brown hair done up in a bun and a warm smile. The alien accompanying her was a scrawny grayish-blue reptilian creature known as a Veldagate. Zapp and Kif recognized them as the Chief Engineer and Assistant Chief Engineer, Commander Matilda McDoohan and Lieutenant Commander Erkezen Nerzeek.

"Hey Mickey, hey Erk!" Zapp greeted the two, using their nicknames. While he referred to his lowlier crewmen by their rank and surname, he addressed his higher ranking officers by their first names or pet names, since he was good friends with most of them. The two engineers smiled, saluted their captain, and hurriedly took their seats at the table. Erk sat across from Kif and Mickey sat across from Zapp, to the right of Vekita. Now half of all the officers aboard were present; they just had to wait for the other five to show up. For a little while, there was an awkward silence between everybody. Kif, Vekita, and Erk were all normally very quiet (Zapp secretly wondered if all aliens were like that, but he didn't ever bring it up because he thought it might sound a bit xenist) but Mickey was rather loud and chatty. He decided to see if he could strike up a conversation with her.

"So, Mickey... what's this big project that Vekita says you've been working on? I'm getting curious." He asked her, breaking the silence. Mickey grinned a knowing grin and something twinkled in her eyes. Whatever it was she was working on, Zapp could tell she was excited about it.

"Aye, you'll find out soon enough, Cap'n. It's somethin' big alright, tho." She replied. Satisfied with that explanation for the moment, Zapp returned to sitting quietly, occasionally messing with his gloves to keep himself entertained until the other officers arrived. Kif was trying not to fall asleep, still pretty tired from countless hours of filling out paperwork. Mickey hummed a little song to herself. Erk was filing his claws with a nail file, sharpening them into neat points. Vekita just sat there with her eyes closed and her hands clasped together, probably meditating or something. Thankfully, it wasn't too long before the other officers began to arrive. The first two came in a pair-two humans, a scowling man with short brown hair and pointed sideburns and a woman with curly honey blonde hair that came just above her shoulders. They were both much older than the other officers and were both wearing blue uniforms with pants to signify that they were members of the medical department-the Chief Medical Officer and Head Nurse, in fact. Soon after the medical officers came an African American man, the ship's Communications Officer. But it was a long time after he showed up before the last two officers on board finally appeared. They too came in a pair; one officer was a beautiful Japanese woman, and the other was an adorable Russian. They were the Helmsman-er, Helmswoman, actually-and Navigator.

"It's about time you two showed up..." The Chief Medical Officer muttered grumpily. He was rather impatient and didn't like to be kept waiting.

"Ve are wery sorry, Doctor McGee. Ve vere busy." The Russian woman apologized.

"More like getting busy." The Japanese woman giggled perversely, causing the Russian to grow flustered.

"Yuri! Zey did not need to know zat!" She whined.

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about, Polina! You and Yuri aren't the only ones who 'do it' on duty. Just look at Mickey and Nick." Zapp assured her, nodding towards Mickey. Everyone looked in her direction and were greeted with a rather amorous scene. The aforementioned engineer had straddled the Communications Officer's lap and they were making out passionately in his chair, seemingly oblivious to all the eyes suddenly on them. Kif, Polina, and the Head Nurse all blushed and politely looked away. Vekita stared on and raised an eyebrow. Doctor McGee face palmed himself and muttered something about having to work with a bunch of horny idiots. And Zapp and Yuri, arguably the two biggest perverts aboard the Nimbus, gladly kept watching their friends suck face.

"Oh my!" Yuri exclaimed in a very George Takei-esque fashion.

"Oh my is right." Zapp agreed, sporting his usual lascivious grin.

"Um... Mickey, Nick? I, um... we have to get on with the meeting..." Kif mumbled awkwardly.

"Engineer McDoohan, Lieutenant Nichols, I ask that you please refrain from your public displays of affection until after the meeting has ceased." Vekita requested. "You are proving to be a distraction to everyone, especially the Captain and Lieutenant Haruki." Reluctantly, Mickey and Nick parted lips and Mickey returned to her own seat. They both looked kind of disappointed, as did Zapp and Yuri. Polina crossed her arms and pouted at the Helmswoman.

"Yuri, you are such a perwert..." She complained.

"I know, I know. But you love me anyways. And I love you too, my pretty little Poli." Yuri crooned lovingly, placing an arm around the Navigator's shoulders and planting a sweet kiss upon her cheek. Polina rolled her eyes, but she couldn't help but smile anyways. The rest of the officers were talking quietly amongst themselves, feeling curious and wondering what the meeting would cover.

"Zapp, what's this meeting about?" The Head Nurse asked Zapp. He shrugged, feeling unsure himself.

"Beats me, Kirsten. Vekita told me she and the engineers were working on something, and Mickey said it was something big, but that was it." He explained.

"I wonder what Little Miss Reese's Pieces found so important that it warranted a meeting..." Doctor McGee muttered.

"I heard that, Doctor." Vekita piped up. Zapp and Kirsten snickered to themselves; McGee simply rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Damn Gondorklians and their ears..." He cursed.

"I heard that too, Doctor."

"Oh, shut up you orange-blooded egghead!" McGee retorted, earning another quizzical eyebrow raise from the orange science officer.

"Egghead? Are you implying that my cranium is host to an unborn bird embryo? Doctor, I can assure you that is not the case." She replied forlornly. Zapp was trying his hardest not to laugh his ass off. For someone who was half human, Vekita was quite clueless when it came to certain human expressions. Kirsten seemed to be fighting back laughter as well, but Veins was looking less than amused.

"So Vekita, you and the engineers wanted to tell us all something?" Asked Kif, who, unlike the other officers, actually seemed interested in getting on with the meeting. Vekita nodded in response.

"Yes, Lieutenant Kroker. The engineers and I have something of great importance to discuss." She replied. Then, she rose from her seat and turned to address the engineers. "Miss McDoohan, Mister Nerzeek." The engineers rose from their seats as well and rushed to stand on either side of Vekita. She adjusted her glasses a bit and pressed a button on the table, causing a translucent blue holograph to appear above its center. The holograph displayed some complex mathematical equations that Zapp didn't understand (and probably never would) and a diagram of some sort of contraption. But luckily he didn't seem to be the only one who was confused. Most of his crew was pretty dumbfounded too. Even Kif, the second smartest person Zapp knew next to Vekita, was baffled. Vekita, sensing everyone's confusion, decided to explain things a bit. "This is a blueprint of a transporter. And these mathematical calculations are used to display how it functions in organized, written equations." She clarified. A collective "oh..." was heard from the other officers as they finally began to understand. Everybody was familiar with transporters.

"Aye. As all yeh lads and lassies know, transporters are subspace devices capable of movin' things from one place to anotha by dematerializin' 'em into subatomic particles an' then rematerializin' 'em at their new destinations." Said Mickey.

"The DOOP frequently uses 'em for transportin' cargo. They allow us to move things much more quickly than if they were travelin' by starship; which saves both time and money." Added Erk.

"And you can zank Russia for zat, Meester Nerzeek! Transporters vere inwented in Russia!" Polina interjected. The other officers rolled their eyes and groaned-according to Polina,_ everything_ was "inwented" in Russia. Vekita, being the know-it-all that she was, felt obligated to correct her.

"Actually, Ensign, the transporter was first invented in-"

"Dammit Vekita, nobody gives a rat's ass!" Veins snapped, sick of the alien woman's constant corrections. Zapp made a mental note to give him a commendation later for shutting her up. Vekita raised an eyebrow for the umpteenth time that day.

"Doctor, what does the giving of a rodent's posterior have to do with the origins of the transporter?" Veins sighed and face palmed himself.

"For someone who's half human, you really don't have much of a clue about how they talk..." He grumbled.

"Can we get back to the meeting, please?" Interrupted Kif. He was growing exasperated with all the disruptions.

"Yeah! Veins, Vekita, knock it off! Please continue, Erk." Zapp demanded.

"Thank ya, Cap'n. Like I was sayin' before I was so rudely cut off," Erk began again, casting an accusatory glare at Polina. The Russian crossed her arms arrogantly and turned her nose up at him, but he ignored her. "While the DOOP moves cargo via the transporters, it doesn't use 'em for movin' crewmen."

"And there is a very rational reason for this. As you all know, the transporter was first invented in Canada-not Russia-in the year 2966. From 2966 to 2974, during its early years, it was tested upon inanimate items as well as robots, humans, and aliens. While successful at transporting the objects and robots, it was not so successful at transporting the humans and aliens." Said Vekita.

"Aye. Some horrific things 'appened ta those poor souls. Some of em' died, some of em' wound up melded t'gether like the Dixie Chicks-it was terrible!" Mickey cried dramatically.

"Indeed it was! That's why since 2974, it's been illegal to transport humans and aliens via the transporter. It's just not safe." Erk finished. Nobody needed to be reminded of that; it was well known that traveling via transporter was not a wise thing to do. Though the transporter had existed for forty six years now, a lot of the science behind it was still relatively unexplored, and even the brightest of minds had yet to discover a way to make it safe enough for human and alien usage. Like Vekita had said, back during the transporter's infancy, several unfortunate human and alien volunteers had opted to test its effects upon living creatures, with catastrophic results. The individuals being tested would often be rematerialized incorrectly, grotesquely changing their appearances and in some cases making it so they were no longer viable and would die. And in other situations, if more than one person was being transported at the same time via a single transporter, the transporter would malfunction and merge the data on their compositions together, resulting in them being rematerialized into a single entity, such as in the unfortunate case of the Dixie Chicks. Sometimes this could be reversed if the original composition coding for each individual could be recovered, but most of the time it couldn't. All in all, it was easily concluded that using the transporter was dangerous for living things. Shuttles, starships, hovercars, and transport tubes were much safer. Zapp didn't get why Vekita, Mickey, and Erk were explaining this to everyone. They knew this stuff already.

"Yeah, we know all of this. What's the point?" He asked.

"Well, Captain, the engineers and I have been working on creating a transporter capable of moving living matter without any issue. In simpler terms, we are working on one that can safely transport people." Vekita revealed.

"Aye. Using Vekita's calculations and Erk and mine's engineering skills, we've constructed a prototype, and we've obtained permission from the DOOP to test it." Added Mickey.

"We've already tested it on some of the lab plants and animals, and the results were quite promisin'." Erk explained.

"However, we have yet to test the transporter's effect upon more complex, intelligent creatures like humans and aliens." Said Vekita.

"That's where the lot of you come in!" Mickey announced in an inappropriately cheerful tone.

"We need ten volunteers to test it, and there's ten of us 'ere. Mickey, Vekita, and myself are gonna do it; are the rest of ya willin' to test it with us?" Erk asked, gesturing to himself, Vekita, and Mickey. The other officers seemed unsure; they exchanged worried glances and mumbled nervously to each other.

"Are you sure it's safe?" Zapp inquired, feeling a bit apprehensive about the whole thing.

"Positive, Captain. The plants and animals we tested transported safely; there is no reason why we should not transport safely as well." Vekita assured him.

"Ah, thank God for good old animal testing! Well, if the tests were all good and you say it's safe, I guess I'm up for it." He decided. "What about you, Kif?"

"Oh, uh, er... I don't know... I guess so..." Kif mumbled.

"I've got no problem with it." Said Yuri.

"Da, it's fine vith me!" Polina chirped happily.

"And me too. I trust my 'Hot Scott'; she wouldn't ask me to do something if she thought it would hurt me." Nick smirked sexily, casting a suave look at Mickey that made her cheeks grow hot.

"Ah Nick, yer such a nice lad. Ah'm glad ah married yeh." She sighed dreamily.

"Well... if you three say it's safe, I don't see an issue with it. You're the experts in this area, after all." Said Kirsten, much to McGee's horror.

"Kirsten, no! I don't care what they say; we shouldn't do it!" He cried.

"Oh come off it, Lyle! I'm sure we'll be fine. Don't you trust our friends? They wouldn't test anything on us unless they knew we'd be safe." Kirsten chided him.

"Of course I trust them, even Reeses Pieces! But... what if they overlooked something?"

"With all due respect, Doctor, the engineers and I have run several tests ensuring the transporter's efficacy and safety. We have detected no errors. Everything is working as it should; we will all be perfectly safe." Vekita informed him. Veins still seemed unsure.

"Are you positive?"

"Certain." The doctor sighed.

"Well, if everyone else is doing it, I might as well do it too..." He decided reluctantly.

"Thank you, Doctor. Your participation is greatly appreciated. Come, everyone. We shall adjourn to the science lab to test the transporter." Vekita announced. She turned off the holograph and made her way for the door, Mickey and Erk followed right behind her. The other officers got out of their seats and hurried after them; Kif caught up with Zapp on the way out.

"Sir, do you think we'll be safe?" He asked, joining his captain's side.

"Of course we will, Kif! Don't tell me you're getting all paranoid like Veins now!" Zapp teased him.

"I'm not paranoid! I just don't want to end up fused with everyone or with my organs turned inside out or anything." Kif shot back defensively. Zapp grimaced at the disgusting mental image that gave him.

"Ew... yeah, that would suck. But there's no need to worry; Vekita, Mickey, and Erk are the best scientist and engineers in the entire DOOP, and they're our friends too! Erk's married to your sister for God's sake! They wouldn't do anything to us if it would hurt us." He assured his friend.

"I hope so..." Kif sighed. Soon, everyone had arrived at the science lab. As they entered, Zapp and Kif took a quick look around the place. Zapp didn't visit the science lab very often (in fact, he didn't even remember the last time he'd been in it) but Kif visited at least once or twice a week if not more, since many of his good friends worked in the science department and he found science rather fascinating himself. The lab looked like it usually did, sans the activity of all the scientists. All the chemicals, tools, and equipment were stored in their proper places, the lab animals were dozing contentedly in their cages, the plants were freshly watered and fertilized, every scientist's station was pristine-but in the far corner of the lab, there was a new piece of machinery that none of the crewmen had seen before. It consisted of a raised platform, red in color, with ten circular pads dispersed over it. Above each pad was a light, and walls lined with a reflective psychedelic material surrounded the platform on three sides.

"This is the transporter." Vekita indicated, gesturing to the strange device. Everyone "ooh'd" and "ahh'd" at it. It looked quite different from the other transporters they'd seen.

"Alright lads and lassies, yeh donnae hafta do all that much durin' the transportin' process. All yeh have to do is stand on top of one of these 'ere pads, and ah'll handle the rest." Mickey explained, gesturing to the circular pads on the ground. Everyone picked out a pad and stood atop it, except for Mickey who hurried over to a nearby control console, presumably the one controlling the transporter. "Aye. Now, when ah finish settin' e'ryone's coordinates and pull these 'ere levers, yeh'll all be broken down into subatomic particles and beamed to yer new location." She explained.

"We're each gonna be sent to a different area of the ship. Cap'n," Erk began, turning towards Zapp, "yer gonna be sent to the bridge." Zapp nodded, and Erk looked to Kif. "Kif, yer bein' sent to the observation deck." Kif nodded, and Erk continued with all the crewmen, telling everyone where they would be sent. "And finally, I'll be sent to the shuttle deck. Once ya reach yer destination, go to the nearest intercom and report back to Vekita that yer transport was successful. After that, we'll all meet back in the briefin' room." He finished. Then, he turned to Mickey. "Oi! Are ya done settin' the bloody coordinates yet, woman?" He called out to her.

"Almost, almost! Hold yer horses, yeh little bugger!" Mickey called back.

"Mees McDoohan, zis vill not be wery painful, vill it?" Polina asked, somewhat worried about the whole process.

"Naw, lassie! It shouldn't be painful at all; at the most all yeh'll feel is a slight tinglin' sensation." Mickey assured her. Polina relaxed considerably and breathed a sigh of relief. Yuri flashed her a comforting smile and gave her hand a squeeze.

"You'll be okay, Poli." Polina smiled back at her.

"Da, as long as you are vith me Yuri, I vill alvays be okay." With that, they shared a kiss. Most of the other officers smiled and "aww'd" at this sweet scene, even Vekita couldn't help but grin. But Zapp, being his usual lusty self, found it more erotic than adorable.

"Mmm, what an erotic display of girl on girl reassurance!" He smirked, sporting his trademark lewd grin. Kif sighed. One of the downsides of the Helmswoman and Navigator being in a romantic lesbian relationship was that Captain Pervert (a.k.a. Zapp) was constantly commenting about it. Sometimes it would make Polina blush, but she usually didn't mind too much. And Yuri, being quite a pervert in her own right, actually enjoyed being amorous on duty and evoking raunchy comments from people.

"You're right, Doctor. We're surrounded by a bunch of horny idiots..." Kif muttered to Veins. After fiddling around with the various buttons and levers and punching in everyone's proper coordinates, Mickey hurried to the last empty transporter pad and waited for the transportation to commence.

"Now, everyone stand still." She instructed. She stood rigidly with her arms at her sides; the others copied her.

"Um... when will it start?" Asked Kif.

"In a few seconds. Ah set the transport process to delay a lil' bit so I could join e'rybody." Mickey explained. Kif nodded and resumed his rigid stance. Suddenly, beams of soft golden light shot down from above each individual transport pad and cascaded over every crew member. Kif felt a slight tingle and glanced down at himself. He was mesmerized; his body was starting to dissipate into a shimmer of golden particles. He glanced over at Zapp, who was also looking rather shimmery. They locked eyes as they continued dematerializing; Zapp smiled at him.

"See you in the briefing room!" He said happily just before he disappeared completely. That was the last thing Kif heard before he too faded away into nothing.

To be continued...

**Author's Note: And so ends the first chapter! Sorry for all the Star Trek knock off OCs; but hey I needed to give Zapp and Kif a crew and they're basically the Kirk and Spock of Futurama. They even have a Bones McCoy knock off doctor guy (yes, Veins McGee is a canon character, but he only appears in "Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch" and is never seen again after that) so I thought hey, why not give them a bunch of unoriginal Star Trek knock off people for a crew? Also, I don't remember if in Futurama people are able to beam places via a transporter or not. I don't think they've ever beamed anything on screen aside from objects but I'm not entirely sure. They did make a reference in Bender's Game to the Dixie Chicks being melded together in a transporter accident, but on screen all we've seen are people using transport tubes and hovercars/spaceships/etc. so I think that's the main method of transportation in the future. I'm sorry for all the Star Trek references lol, if it isn't obvious by now I really like Star Trek. I'll probably never write any Star Trek fics though. Plus I know for a fact that George Takei (the actor who plays Sulu in the original Star Trek series and movies; he also frequently appears on Futurama voicing himself as a head in a jar) reads Star Trek fanfictions. One time he even read an erotic Chekov/Sulu slash fanfiction aloud lol... there's a video of that somewhere on youtube if you want to see it. I'd feel awkward if he read any of my stuff. I really hope he doesn't read Futurama fics too... I'm kind of worried Billy West might read them though since he really loves Futurama. Oh geez, what if he and John DiMaggio have seen all the Frender slash? Anyways, I'll shut up now. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter; please leave a review and let me know what you think of the fic so far. Next chapter things will start to get interesting (and rather slashy too) for our not-so-dynamic duo and their Star Trek spoof friends c:  
**

**Erk Nerzeek, Kirsten Church, Mickey McDoohan, Nick Nichols, Polina Kenig, Vekita S'chnt'gai, and Yuri Haruki belong to me**

**Zapp Brannigan, Kif Kroker, Veins McGee, and anything or anyone else Futurama-related belong to Matt Groening and David X. Cohen**


	2. Chapter 2

**"Mirror, Mirror"  
**

**Author's Note: This is the fastest I've ever updated a fic lol, too bad it's my self indulgent Zif crack pairing fic and not something you guys actually wanna read like the truth or dare thing. I'm working on updating that too; I'll probably update it once I finish this fic. By the way, I upped the rating of the truth or dare fic to M because some really violent and sexual dares were sent in. So if any of you are searching for it and can't find it, make sure you're including M rated fics in your search or else it may not come up. Anyways, back to this fic-none of the OCs appear in this chapter, though Vekita and Veins are mentioned a couple of times. This chapter's purely Zapp and Kif centric. However, the OCs will all be back in chapter three. So yeah, that's all I wanted to say... this is where things start to get interesting lol... enjoy c:  
**

On the Nimbus' observation deck, Kif felt himself rematerialize in another shower of golden particles. He breathed a sigh of relief-he wasn't dead; that was a good sign. The transportation seemed to have gone well. Even so, he decided to conduct a brief examination of himself to be absolutely certain that the process had no ill effect upon him. He ran his hands down his face, carefully feeling for any abnormalities. Thankfully, there were none, so he continued down to the rest of his body. He held his arms out in front of him and turned them over, looking them up and down. He counted his fingers-yep, all six were still there-and placed a hand upon his chest where a human's liver would be. But being an Amphibiosan and not a human, it was where Kif's heart was located.

_Thump, thump, thump..._

The beat was steady and strong, just as it should be. Moving away from his heart, Kif squeezed, pinched, and felt himself here and there, making certain that all his organs were where they were supposed to be. Satisfied that his innards were in order, he looked down at his legs and feet. There was nothing wrong with them either. Physically, he seemed to be okay. But even though he hadn't been disfigured or merged together with one of his friends, Kif still couldn't help but feel that something was amiss. However, since nothing appeared to be outwardly wrong, he chalked his apprehensive feelings up to simple paranoia and calmly strolled over to the communicator on the nearby wall. He needed to let Vekita know that his transportation was a success. But just as he was about to press the button, he heard a noise. He froze-what was that? It couldn't have been one of the others; they were in completely different areas of the ship. Was it an intruder? Alarmed, Kif whipped around and reached for the photon gun holstered in his belt. He heard the noise again, coming from a nearby Roddenberry tube. Roddenberry tubes were narrow, ladder-lined tubes used to ascend and descend to different decks of the ship. There were many of them networked throughout the Nimbus, and they led to and from various places. While they were quite useful, they also had several drawbacks. For one, they were very cramped, and it was easy to get stuck in them, even for the skinniest of officers. It was a lot worse for the more heavyset crewmen-Kif had lost track of the number of times Zapp had gotten his fat ass stuck in one. But the tubes being so confined wasn't even the least of their problems; there was another big issue with them-they proved to be exceptional hiding places for intruders and stowaways. Kif bit his lower lip and hesitantly approached the tube before him, gun in hand. He was hoping to high heaven that an invader-or, worse yet, _invaders_-wasn't lurking within. Setting his gun on its 'stun' mode just in case, he aimed at the tube's opening. A hand shot out-a human hand, by the looks of it-and came to rest on the tube's edge, followed by another. Then, a familiar face came into view-it was Zapp.

"Sir?" Kif stated in utter bewilderment, lowering his gun. What the hell was he doing in there? He was supposed to be on the bridge!

"Kif? What are you doing up here? I thought I asked you to go to the bridge so you could finish that paperwork." Zapp replied, squeezing his pudgy self out of the tube and joining the alien on the deck. Kif shook his head and slipped his gun back into his belt.

"No you didn't. I'm supposed to be here, don't you rememb-what in the world are you wearing?" He exclaimed. Now that Zapp was out of the tube, he could get a better look at him, and he noticed something quite strange about his captain's choice of attire. He was no longer wearing his uniform; instead he was clad in some sort of black and red velour leotard-type thing with a belt and black boots, and his normally gloved hands were bare. It was an interesting ensemble; Zapp had worn some crazy things in the past, but Kif had never seen anything like this in his wardrobe. The blonde gave him a puzzled look and tilted his head to the side.

"What do you mean? I'm wearing what I always wear-my uniform. Why aren't you wearing yours?" He asked.

"But I am wearing mine! This is my uniform! You're the one who isn't in uniform!" Kif explained, tugging at the skirt of his uniform for emphasis. Zapp, for whatever reason, was quite amused by this.

"Oh Kif, you're so adorable when you're trying to be funny!" He chuckled, placing an arm around his friend's shoulders. The green man was shocked-did Zapp really just call him adorable? How odd... ignoring that comment, he tried once more to convince him that he wasn't joking around.

"Sir, I'm not trying to be funny, I'm-oh!" He gasped as his human friend caught him around the waist and... hugged him? Yes, he was being hugged! Kif was getting worried now; this just wasn't like Zapp. Maybe he was experiencing some strange side effect of the transporter. Yeah, that had to be it! Nothing else would account for his bizarre behavior. They needed to find McGee; he'd know what to do. Kif tried desperately to pry himself out of his captain's grasp, with little success. Though Zapp's physique was more fat than muscle, he was still pretty strong and had the alien firmly secured in his arms with no visible intention of letting him go. Kif sighed-it looked like he'd be stuck here for a while. Zapp smiled broadly, oblivious to his assistant's disinterest.

"I'm surprised you're out of uniform. After all, DOOP regulations state that it's mandatory for all crewmen to wear their uniforms while on duty, and we both know how fussy you are about sticking to the rules." He teased playfully. "But hey, I'm not complaining. You look really cute in that little dress of yours." It took Kif a moment to realize that he was talking about his uniform.

"Dress? This isn't a dress! It's my unifo-wha... what are you doing?" Zapp had placed one of his hands on his chest and was rubbing him in a disconcertingly sensual manner. Kif cringed at the close contact; he tried once more to slip away, but Zapp still had his other arm wrapped securely around his waist, imprisoning him. Sighing yet again, he looked on helplessly as his captain continued fondling his chest. All he could do was hope that he'd stop soon.

"Mmm... this is velour, isn't it?" Zapp asked, finally removing his hand after what seemed like hours of unusually intimate caressing. Kif hesitated a moment, then nodded.

"Yes... it is..." He didn't understand why Zapp would even ask that; he knew full well what material their uniforms were made of.

"Well," Zapp drawled, a pleased grin crossing his face as his free hand came to rest uncomfortably on Kif's thigh, "I must say I really like this new dress of yours. But I think you'd look even better without it." Kif's eyes widened-was he coming onto him!? Sure, he'd had suspicions that Zapp might be "playing for both teams" ever since the "Lee Lemon" incident, but never had he expressed interest in_ him_! Well... there was that one time on Femina-Masculus... but Kif didn't count that. To be fair, he'd been temporarily turned into a woman at the time that occurred, and Zapp thought that pretty much every woman ever was sexy, the only exceptions being his mother and sister. He was a pervert, yes, but incest was something that even he wouldn't dabble in. Oh, and there was also that shore leave on Snellepox 4 back when they were just cadets, but again Kif didn't count that. They weren't thinking rationally when that happened-alien sex pollen plus a bunch of horny teenagers and twenty-somethings didn't equal anything good. They were lucky that McGee found an antidote before they did anything terribly lewd; many of their fellow cadets had done some rather... _unsavory things_. The mere memories of what had transpired on that planet left Kif feeling sick to his stomach. Wisely deciding to forget Snellepox 4 for the moment, he focused on persuading Zapp to let him go.

"Um... Sir, I-I'd really like it if you let me leave now... please?" He requested politely.

"Alright, Kif. I'll let you go. But first, I've got a job for you." Zapp leered, earning an impatient sigh from his friend.

"Ugh... fine. What do you want me to do?" He asked.

"Get on your knees." Kif was puzzled-get on his knees? Well, that was a strange command. But he decided to go with it anyways. Sinking to his knees, he stared up at his captain, who stared back with an all too familiar grin. Oh dear, it was that plotting look again. Zapp was up to something.

"What are you planning this time?" He groaned, not in the mood for any mischief. Zapp's grin grew even wider, and he started undoing his belt.

"Oh Kif, don't play dumb! You know what I'm doing." He laughed. He brought a hand up to the collar of his leotard, where there was a zipper, and pulled downwards, unzipping the tight velour garment. Whipping out his junk (as usual, he wasn't wearing any underwear) he stared down at the alien before him with a look of anticipation in his eyes. Naturally, Kif was horrified.

"O-oh! Uh... S-Sir... I, uh... w-what did you want me to do, exactly?" He mumbled, wondering just what in the hell he had gotten himself into. Zapp smiled a salacious smile and placed a hand on the back of his head; Kif trembled anxiously at his touch.

"Oh, I think you know precisely what sort of 'job' I want you for..." He smirked. The alien's eyes widened as the captain guided him towards his manhood-oh, so he wanted him for _that_ kind of 'job'. Well, Kif wasn't having any of that! Thinking fast, he slapped Zapp's arm away and got to his feet, staggering back against the wall and hyperventilating from shock. He couldn't believe it-Zapp had ordered him to do many demeaning things over the years, but a blowjob was the last "job" he'd expected to be tasked with! "Kif? What's wro-" The human started to ask, but he was silenced by the green man's fist colliding with his jaw. The punch was so forceful that it knocked him flat on his ass; Kif glared down at him with a look in his eyes so cold it could make Robot Hell freeze over.

"You bastard..." He seethed through gritted teeth, balling his hands into tight fists. Zapp sat up and groaned, rubbing his sore jaw. Kif sure threw a good punch! He could feel the start of a bruise coming on...

"Oww... Kif, what was that for?" He asked, looking hurt. This really made Kif mad.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?" He repeated, throwing his hands up. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKING MEAN WHAT WAS THAT FOR? YOU FUCKING TRIED TO PUT YOUR DONG IN MY MOUTH!" He yelled. He wasn't normally so profane in his speech, but he felt the current situation was more than deserving of a few F-bombs. Zapp had crossed a major boundary here; forced fellatio was something Kif wouldn't stand for. The human frowned and slowly got to his feet, looking as sad as a puppy that had just been kicked by its owner.

"Kif, I don't understand... what's gotten into you?" He whimpered, hesitantly taking hold of his lieutenant's hands. Kif jerked his hands away, jumped back, and reached for his gun.

"TOUCH ME AGAIN AND I'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE FUCKING LEG!" Zapp flinched and put his hands up. Kif relaxed slightly, but still kept his hand on the gun. He sighed, shaking his head in disbelief. "Good God, Zapp... I've put up with a lot of crap from you, but _this_-this is crossing the fucking line." He muttered coldly, the words like poison on his tongue. An anguished look crossed Zapp's face, vastly different from his usual suave grin. Kif knew he'd done some major damage to his ego-he was Zapp's best friend, after all, and being disowned by your bestie had to hurt bad. But at this point he really didn't care. He was pissed. "I'm reporting you for attempted sexual assault on a fellow officer!" He declared, which only upset Zapp further. "You say I'm your best friend, but you've treated me like your slave for years, and I've just held my tongue and gone along with it! But I most certainly WILL NOT be your _sex slave_!" Finished with his rant, he hurried over to a Roddenberry tube and started crawling down the ladder to the next deck.

"Kif, wait!" Zapp cried out in vain. Stuffing his junk back into his leotard, he followed the alien down the tube and out onto the deck below. Aware that he was being pursued, Kif decided the best thing to do would be to make a dash for the briefing room. Even if Zapp followed him, he wouldn't have to face him alone-his friends would be there too, each armed with their own guns. And they wouldn't be all too pleased to learn that their captain had just attempted to force their First Officer into unwanted oral copulation. Feeling his heart pounding and a rush of adrenaline coursing through his body, Kif sped off down the hallway as fast as his feet would carry him. He had to get to the others before Zapp got to him.

* * *

Down on the bridge, everything was silent. There was not a single crewman about, and the ship was still running on autopilot. Suddenly, a cloud of shining golden particles appeared out of nowhere, and took the form of a certain captain. Once he had fully rematerialized, Zapp looked down at himself, then at his surroundings. He smiled approvingly.

"Well I'll be damned; it worked!" Remembering he had to report his successful transport to Vekita, he headed over to the captain's chair to use the communicator. But just as he was about to press the button, he heard the doors leading onto the bridge swish open. Glancing over his shoulder, he was surprised and confused to see Kif walk in. "Kif? What are you doing here? Weren't you supposed to be up on the observation deck?" He inquired. Kif froze and blinked forlornly.

"No, Sir. You sent me to the bridge to finish filling out that paperwork. Don't you remember?" He replied.

"What? I never told you to do that. And what the hell are you wearing?" Zapp asked, noticing that his friend wasn't in uniform. Instead, he was wearing some sort of absurd leotard-like getup with a belt and black boots, and he was missing his gloves.

"What do you mean? This is the standard uniform worn by all DOOP crewmen." The green man explained, gesturing to his outfit. He looked over Zapp's own choice of attire and tilted his head to the side. "Why are you wearing a velour dress?"

"Velour dress?" Zapp scoffed, highly offended by this comment. "Kif! You know perfectly well that this isn't a dress! It's obviously a tunic. And it's our uniform, not those leotard things."

"Oh, I didn't know we were issued new uniforms!" Kif squealed excitedly like a little schoolgirl. "So, this dress you're wearing... do I have to wear one too?" Zapp grimaced and face palmed himself.

"It's NOT a dress! It's a tunic!" He explained once more.

"Your dress-"

"Enough about the dress! ...tunic..." Kif frowned.

"I was just going to say it looks nice on you... you always look good in velour."

"Oh. Uh, thanks I guess..." That was strange; Kif never complimented his appearance like that...

"You're welcome, honey!" The lieutenant purred, flirtatiously batting his eyes at his captain. Zapp looked at him like he'd just grown three heads-did he hear that right? Did Kif seriously just call him "honey"? That was beyond weird! Though he and Kif were close friends (well, he thought they were-Kif probably had moments where he secretly wanted to murder him and make it look like an accident) Kif seldom referred to him by anything other than "Sir" or "Captain". He'd started calling him that way back when Zapp had first achieved captaincy in the late 2990s, and over the years it had evolved into a habit that he'd never lost. The only times he ever really referred to Zapp by his actual name were if he was either really mad at him, really happy with him, or if he was introducing him to someone. And Kif had _never_ called him "honey" before. Well, he actually did call him that a couple of times on Snellepox 4, but Zapp didn't want to think about that... _unfortunate incident. _Just thinking about what happened between them there made him want to puke out every single organ in his body, and as much as he hated to admit it, he was glad he'd left the planet with his virginity still intact. No way in hell were they ever going back there. But Zapp didn't dwell on Snellepox 4 for very long-that was the past; this was the present. And neither he nor Kif were under the influence of alien sex pollen at the moment. There was no reason his green friend should be calling him cutesy little pet names. Something was very wrong here; Zapp needed to do some thinking. He sat down in his chair, crossed his legs, and drummed his fingers on the arm as he stroked his non-existent chin, pondering his assistant's abnormal behavior. The assistant in question plopped himself down in Zapp's lap and lovingly nuzzled his neck.

"What the-?! Kif, knock it off!" He demanded, weirded out by the unusually affectionate gesture. Kif pouted, looking rather disappointed, but he did comply with his friend's request and lifted his head from his neck. The two of them locked eyes-Kif stared at Zapp with a look of intense longing, met with Zapp's own befuddled gaze. He didn't understand-Kif was eyeing him with the same look of hunger as a fat kid about to devour a happy meal, but why? Averting his eyes downward, he found that the alien had abruptly shifted their positions-now Kif was straddling his lap and had him pinned to his seat. One of the lieutenant's hands came to rest on the captain's shoulder while the other found it's way to the back of his head and forced their faces close together so their lips were just centimeters apart. Zapp was really concerned now; this just wasn't like Kif.

"Kif, what are you-" He began to say, but the alien pressed a finger to his lips to quiet him.

"Shhh... words aren't necessary, my love." He murmured sexily. "There are better things you can use your mouth for." Zapp was about to ask what he meant, but he found himself silenced once again, this time by Kif's lips pressed tenderly against his own. He was shocked-_Kif was kissing him_. Kif. His best friend and First Officer. _That wasn't erotic at all!_ Disgusted, he immediately shoved the green man off of himself and onto the floor. While he would've liked nothing more than to submerge his entire face in a bucket of bleach, all Zapp could do at the moment was wipe his mouth off on his sleeve. Dragging his arm across his violated lips, he glowered down at his friend, looking absolutely peeved. The alien frowned back up at him.

"Darling, why'd you shove me?" He asked, looking utterly heartbroken.

"What the hell's wrong with you, Kif?!" Zapp asked sternly, placing his hands on his hips. But before Kif could reply, he came to a realization. "Wait a minute! I know exactly what's going on here!" He grabbed Kif by the arm and yanked him roughly to his feet, eliciting a startled gasp from the alien. Tightening his grip, he leaned in closely towards him and, in an intimidatingly quiet tone, asked but one question: "Who are you and what have you done with Kif?" Kif just looked at him like he was stupid (which he probably was).

"What are you talking about, sweetums? I'm Kif!" He replied, gesturing to himself. Zapp wasn't convinced.

"No you're not! You're an imposter!" He retorted, pointing an accusatory finger at the supposed phony. "Now, I know that I'm a disturbingly sexy man, and both women AND men swoon over me, but Kif-the real Kif, at least-doesn't swing that way! He'd never kiss me!" Kif-or whoever was posing as him-seemed upset.

"But darling-"

"Stop with the pet names, Fox Kif!" Zapp shot back, grossly mispronouncing the word 'faux'. The fake Kif corrected him almost as quickly as Vekita would have, had she been there at the moment.

"It's pronounced 'faux', not 'fox', honey." He explained. Zapp rolled his eyes-God, this guy was annoying!

"Whatever, you know what I mean! Now listen up, Fox-ahem, Faux Kif-you're coming with me! We're going to go find the_ real_ Kif, and once we do I'm throwing your ass in the brig! Kapeesh?" The Kif imposter frowned and lowered his head.

"Yes, hon-Sir..." He sighed glumly. Satisfied that he wouldn't have any further issues with him, Zapp dragged Faux Kif off the bridge and down one of the halls. He wasn't exactly sure what this faker had done to the real Kif or where the real Kif was, and he wasn't about to ask him for any information-he couldn't be trusted. Unable to do much else, Zapp just decided to wander aimlessly around the ship and see if he'd bump into his friend along the way. Soon, he was met with the sound of swift footsteps coming down the hall. He paused, as did Faux Kif, and two people ran past them. One of them Zapp recognized as Kif-the real Kif-but the other person... was that himself he just saw run by?! No, it couldn't be! Could it? Was there a Faux Zapp as well as a Faux Kif? What the hell was going on here? An investigation was needed! It was time for Zapp to bust out his totally badass detective skills.

"Come on, Faux Kif! There's a mystery that needs solving!" He exclaimed, taking off after the real Kif and the apparent Faux Zapp with Faux Kif in tow. Despite being fat enough to make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic, he was surprisingly speedy and it wasn't long before he caught up to his assistant and the Zapp doppelganger. The real Kif had reached the elevator at the end of the hall and was smashing the button like there was no tomorrow, but it just wouldn't open.

"Come on, come on, come on! Open! _Please_ open!" He cried frantically, still shaken up from the earlier... _incident_. He felt a hand on his shoulder and spun around on his heels, coming face to face with the Zapp imposter. He let out a terrified girlish scream and stumbled backwards into the elevator doors.

"Kif! What's the matter with you?" Faux Zapp asked, wrapping his arms around the alien.

"Don't touch me, you bastard!" He squealed, kneeing the blonde in the groin. Faux Zapp let go of him and doubled over in pain, cupping his injured parts in his hands.

"Ow! My 'Little Zapper'!" He whimpered. Kif smirked with sadistic satisfaction-God, that felt good. He'd wanted to do that for _years_.

"Kif!" He heard his name called again, and both he and Faux Zapp looked off in the direction of the voice. They were greeted with the sight of a very out of breath Zapp, accompanied by a confused looking Faux Kif.

"Sir?" Kif gasped in astonishment. There were_ two_ Zapps? Oh dear lord, no! It was bad enough that he had to deal with just one, but two? God help him!

"Kif! There you are! I've been looking all over for you!" Zapp exclaimed happily, letting go of Faux Kif and rushing over to his friend. He shoved Faux Zapp aside and threw his arms around Kif in a bone-crushing hug... well, Kif didn't have bones since he was an Amphibiosan, but you get the idea. He hesitantly returned the hug as Faux Kif stared on at them with wide, amazed eyes. Noticing this, Kif quickly broke the hug and stared back at his lookalike, equally as amazed.

"Sir... who's that?" He whispered to Zapp, pointing towards the other alien. The blonde shrugged.

"I dunno, some imposter I found on the bridge. I knew he wasn't really you because Faux Kif here kissed me, and I knew you'd never do that!" Ah, so there were some amorous imposters running amok... that explained _a lot_.

"Oh... well, I think I found an imposter too. You-um, the other you-wanted me to, uh... um... well..." Kif mumbled uneasily, feeling his cheeks start to glow a hot green from embarrassment. He wasn't sure how to explain this... luckily, Zapp seemed to know what he was trying to say, and, in a rare display of concern for his friend, he pulled Kif away from Faux Zapp and stood in front of him protectively.

"Stay away from him." He grumbled, staring daggers at his counterpart. Then, turning back to his assistant, his demeanor softened once more. He placed his hands on Kif's shoulders, and the alien looked up at him meekly. "Kif," Zapp addressed him quietly, almost in a whisper, "Did he do anything to you?" Kif shook his head.

"No... he tried to, but I got away." Zapp breathed a sigh of relief, glad to know that no harm had come to the alien.

"Good. We better keep an eye on those two imposters." He suggested. Kif nodded in agreement, and the two of them immediately directed their attention back to the Faux Zapp and Kif. The two imposters approached each other cautiously; for a moment they just studied one another in silence. Faux Zapp glanced over at the real Kif, then back at Faux Kif. Then at the real Kif, and back to Faux Kif again. He seemed puzzled.

"Kif, why are there two of you?" He asked Faux Kif, gently taking hold of his hands. Faux Kif just shrugged in response.

"I was about to ask you the same thing, sweetums. Goodness, what happened to your face!?" He cried. Letting go of one of Faux Zapp's hands, he gingerly touched the bruise that Kif had left upon the human's cheek earlier. Faux Zapp winced as the alien's thin fingers brushed his skin; he grabbed Faux Kif's hand again and squeezed it reassuringly.

"I'm alright; you just hit me is all. Er, well, you didn't do it... the other you in the dress did." He explained, nodding towards Kif. "But like I said, it's nothing serious. I'll have Veins look at it later. Right now I'm more concerned about you." The real Kif was rather confused by this statement. Zapp was an incredibly narcissistic individual, and his primary concern was his own well-being. He hardly ever put others before himself. In fact, Kif was actually somewhat surprised that he had even bothered to try and protect him from his imposter-that was the first time in forever that Zapp had shown genuine concern about his safety. There were few people he would actually bother to worry about, and they were usually his family members or girlfriends. He liked his friends too, yes, but he would be more than willing to throw them under the bus if it would save his own ass. Faux Zapp was different; he seemed almost obsessively fretful over his assistant's condition. Something was weird here; it made Kif uneasy...

"I'm fine, darling." Said Faux Kif. "But the other you shoved me and said he was going to throw me in the brig later..."

"He what?! Oh no, I'm not letting that happen!" Faux Zapp proclaimed, possessively placing an arm around Faux Kif's waist. He advanced in on the real Zapp, sporting a purely vindictive scowl. Clearly, he was furious. "Now listen here, asshole!" He hissed, poking the blonde hard in the chest, "you might look like me and think you're so cool prancing around here with your Kif lookalike and your little velour dress-"

"It's a tunic." Zapp cut him off, which only irritated him further.

"Whatever! Dress, tunic-I don't care what you call it! That's not important! What is important is that we get a few things straight here-I'm the captain of this ship, and even though you look like me, you're not me, and you have no authority here! You're not going to go around throwing MY crewmen into MY brig! Especially not MY Kif! Kapeesh?" He shouted angrily. Zapp wasn't sure what he was talking about-last time he checked, the Nimbus was his ship, he was the captain, and he could throw whoever the hell he wanted in his brig, even Kif-but he didn't think it'd be wise to irritate Faux Zapp any further, so he just nodded silently. His apparent agreement seemed to satisfy the imposter. His glare softened and he calmed down considerably, but he still looked pretty upset. "Bother Kif again and I'll throw YOU in the brig!" He threatened. With that, he turned to Faux Kif, smiled sweetly, and brought a hand up to caress his cheek. "There's nothing to worry about now, my lovely lieutenant. I won't let anything happen to you." He assured the alien. Faux Kif smiled appreciatively and wrapped his arms around Faux Zapp's neck as the blonde's hands found their way to his waist.

"I know you won't, Zappy-poo." He purred, nuzzling his captain. Faux Zapp laughed and nuzzled him back.

"Aw, come here you!" He pulled Faux Kif in close and crushed their lips together in a passionate kiss. The real Zapp and Kif looked on in absolute shock, jaws agape, as the fakers frenched each other. They were speechless; no words could describe how sick this was. They stood there for a good five minutes at least, unable to tear their eyes away from the disturbing scene. Everything was dead quiet aside from the sloppy kissing noises and moans coming from the two imposters. Zapp wanted to puke, Kif felt like he might pass out, and Faux Zapp and Kif kept right on sucking face like nobody's business. After what seemed like forever, they finally parted lips, connected only by a thin string of their shared saliva. Panting heavily, they wiped their mouths off on their sleeves and grinned at each other with eyes full of desire.

"Mmm... you've always been very talented with your tongue." Faux Zapp smirked.

"You're not so bad yourself, handsome." Faux Kif replied playfully.

"Oh Kif..."

"Oh Zapp..." The two men shared a laugh, followed by another quick kiss and some cuddling. As he was enjoying Faux Zapp's warm embrace, Faux Kif glanced back at the real Zapp and Kif, who looked like they'd been scarred for life (which they probably were after seeing themselves tongue wrestle) "What's wrong with you two?" He asked confusedly.

"I... you... he... him... what..." Kif stuttered, rendered speechless by what he'd just witnessed. Fortunately, Zapp was still able to form coherent sentences, and boy did he have a lot of questions for those two fakers...

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?" He cried, throwing his hands up in disgust. The lookalikes didn't seem to understand his revulsion.

"What do you mean?" Faux Zapp inquired.

"Why were you guys sucking face with each other_?_!" Zapp fussed.

"I love kissing Kif; why_ wouldn't _I be kissing him?" Faux Zapp replied, gesturing to the alien at his side. Faux Kif nodded in agreement.

"We can kiss each other whenever we want. After all, we're married." He added, lifting his left hand up to reveal a single gold band on one of his fingers. It was a ring-_a wedding ring_. Zapp and Kif almost fainted.

To be continued...

**Author's Note: Ooh, they're married! lol... you have no idea how much I was laughing my ass off as I wrote in all those cutesy little pet names that "Faux Kif" used throughout the chapter... I know it was out of character for Kif to do all that swearing, but I wanted him to sound really, _really_ pissed off and I thought making him drop some F-bombs would show how pissed he was since he doesn't normally curse all that much. And yes, I totally stole that little exchange Zapp and "Faux Kif" had about his dress/tunic/uniform from that one scene in "Night at the Museum 2" in which Kamunrah is trying to explain to Al Capone, Napoleon Bonaparte, and Ivan the Terrible that he's wearing an Egyptian tunic and not a dress lol... next chapter Zapp and Kif react to learning about their counterparts' relationship and meet up again with their Star Trek knock off buddies, who have also had some... interesting run-ins with their own duplicates. Then, they hold another meeting to find out just what the hell is going on, but the meeting comes to a halt when two unexpected guests make an appearance. Who are they, you ask? Well, you'll just have to wait and see... as always, thank you for reading, and please leave a review letting me know what you think of the fic! Chapter three's coming soon (hopefully...)  
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**"Faux Zapp" and "Faux Kif" technically belong to me but are based off characters belonging to Matt Groening and David X. Cohen  
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**Zapp Brannigan, Kif Kroker, and anything or anyone else Futurama-related belong to Matt Groening and David X. Cohen**


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